How to Offend a Woofus
It’s not easy to offend a woofus who has a permanently sunny disposition, but it can be done.
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Spend a couple weeks working. No frolics, even when the chipmunk is left in plain sight, simply begging to be waved in a woofus face. No WALKIES!!! except to home-buying class. Make sure that the whole time is working an unnatural schedule in which sleep is from the wee hours of the morning to early afternoon, ignoring prime woofus frolic time!
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Make it rain for one entire day. It is well known, of course, that rain is a monkey-controlled phenomenon, done specifically for the annoyance of woofi, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I do mean rain, not misting or sprinkling, and for one entire day, all twenty-four hours.
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Get up late, even for a monkey. What takes a mommy so long to wake up? Sunny wakes up and he’s up!
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Tantalize with short WALKIES!!! to a nice but frequently visited place. Mind you, the UPS Store is wonderful, but the woman actually made Sunny sit before he got his cookie! And then Mommy let her take his picture! He thought mommies were supposed to protect woofi.
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Watch videos and KNIT! OK, so she’s a Vampire Slayer, she does not have eyelashes to compare with Sunny, and what’s with that knitting? It interferes with tummy rubs.
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Bake something in the oven. I’m still trying to decide if it’s an indication of his desire for the food being baked or if he’s trying to alert me to carbon monoxide, but the little guy goes absolutely nuts each and every time I bake. Pester, pester, pester. Whimper. It’s making my determination to perfect my tofu baking skills and thereby control my passion for baked tofu cubes very difficult indeed. Whatever the motivation for his pestiness, Sunny doesn’t like baking.
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Give only a small piece of what was baked in the oven. Regardless of carbon monoxide and after the smell of food filling the house, it’s positively mean of Mommy to eat most of the food herself. The rule should be at least halvesies!
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Pull off a flea. Hey, to pull off that flea I had to tug on Sunny’s hair, and possibly pull a couple hairs out, and that’s worse than the flea!
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Dose for fleas. Sunny has a whole day until he needs to be dosed with that smelly stuff that makes him feel goopy and sticks to his fur. If Mommy wants him to have goopy fur, Sunny has much better alternatives than Advantix.
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Watch more videos and knit more! Again with the non-woofus-centered activities! Sunny suspects that thing I’m working on is not intended for woofy use.
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Working! What’s with the working again? Isn’t this one of those days off where the woofus takes his rightful place as center of the universe? What’s going on here?
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TRYING TO TAKE A PHOTO OF THE WOOFUS OVER THE TOP OF THE COMPUTER WHILE WORKING! Sunny finally gets my attention to waver from my work by parking on my legs and staring at me over the laptop screen, and I have to ruin the moment with that hateful camera trying to capture his woofy annoyance! The absolute monkey NERVE!
At that point your sunny-dispositioned woofus should be so thoroughly offended that he stalks off to pout in the living room before you get any further flaky monkey notions, like snoot kisses.